I have the rare occurrence of time to myself today with no “have to’s”, I’m on my own. That means I can choose to do whatever I want.
But before I could get into the swing of this free time this morning, I found myself feeling slightly ill-at-ease. What emerged as I analysed this oddness was an old fear. I identified it as I ran through the list of the many things that I could think of doing. I had put music on – I love music. I had set up my watercolours and began to dip in and out of a number of works that are currently on the go. Thankfully it was raining hard and fast so that the garden couldn’t draw me into it’s never ending needs. It blurted out when I contemplated going to the studio, which felt like a distance that I didn’t want to travel…I’m talking about a hundred yards to the log cabin in the garden!
My fear was that I don’t want to go to the studio because I’m not a real artist.
Whoa…Where did that come from?!?
I have become increasingly aware of my needs over recent years. Bit by bit I have taken increasingly good care of myself, thoughtfully nurturing myself as I would care for others. So I was surprised that this basic fear was still sitting there. After all this time.
I thought about it. How can that be true? When I paint I’m in a form of meditation, not consciously, it just happens. I find myself in a special and comfortable place, where wonderful things happen that I can’t anticipate and that others appreciate and enjoy.
I realised that I was suffering from an old habit. I recognised that and put it in it’s place…which I imagined passing me by as it floated away in a river, because I certainly don’t need to store that thought! I’m letting it go.
I’ll go to the studio if I want to. And I just might. I am an individual artist with integrity. I can work as I wish and in fact “the studio” is wherever I am. I’m pleased I’ve realised that.
I found I could say things with colour and shapes that I couldn’t say any other way – things I had no words for.